I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
false alarm, still single
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