This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
