my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
