I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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