Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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