did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She said her name was "party"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
