theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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