just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
