Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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