kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
