I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
