A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
