FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
