god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Did I show you my penis last night?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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