i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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