I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
