He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
