Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
