How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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