Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
