My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
