im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
