just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
