Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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