I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
