She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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