I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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