He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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