i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
