so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
