I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Randomize
