I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
