Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
