im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
