i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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