i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
