the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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