I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
