i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
