I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
