I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
