i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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