apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is Oprah even human
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize