PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
