Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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