So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
