your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize