Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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