I think I won the penis lottery.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
