why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
