if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
