if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
