census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
