Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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